My Child Is Refusing to See Me: A Guide to Parental Alienation in the Family Court

1. Introduction

Parental separation can be very difficult for children to adjust to, and can cause them to feel upset and angry toward their parents. Sometimes, a child can react in a way that exceeds this, by suddenly or persistently resisting a relationship with one parent.

Feeling rejected by one’s own child is distressing for a parent in any situation. However, this rejection can be problematic when the child’s resistance does not reflect their own feelings but is instead a result of what are known as “alienating behaviours” by the other parent.

This article outlines what the court regards alienating behaviours to be, and the approach it takes when such behaviours are identified. It also offers practical advice in situations where alienating behaviours have occurred.

2. What are alienating behaviours?

The expression “parental alienation” is not preferred by the court because it implies that alienation is a psychological condition or syndrome of some sort. In the court’s view, the underlying mischief is usually a subtle set of behaviours perpetrated by the “offending” parent. This is why the term “alienating behaviours” is preferred to “parental alienation”.

In Re: C (‘Parental Alienation’; Instruction of Expert) [2023] EWHC 345 (Fam) at [103] the High Court defined alienating behaviours as a “process of manipulation … perpetrated by one parent against the other”. However, that process must lead to the child’s unjustified resistance to that parent. In Re: S (Parental Alienation: Cult) [2020] EWCA Civ 568 at [8], the Court of Appeal confirmed the suitability of CAFCASS’ definition of alienation, i.e. “When a child’s resistance/hostility towards one parent is not justified and is the result of psychological manipulation by the other parent.” It follows that any resistance or reluctance toward a relationship with one parent does not alone constitute alienation. The child might instead be justifiably reacting to circumstances, for example:

• The child might be feeling afraid of one parent, having witnessed or been a victim of domestic abuse perpetrated by that parent;
• the child might have a historically closer bond with one parent and prefer to remain with them rather than the other parent; or
• the child might be feeling angry at one parent, because they left the family home.

It must be remembered that children are not immune to the dynamics involved in parental separation, particularly when there is conflict involved. It is not uncommon for children to “flip-flop” in their affinity toward each parent during this volatile time. As a result, the court takes a nuanced approach to these situations and considers whether the child’s views arise from their own experiences, whether there are welfare concerns affecting the relationship, or whether the child has been influenced by the other parent. In summary, it is only where the child’s rejection is unjustified and demonstrably caused by the conduct of the other parent that alienating behaviours may be found.

Typical examples of one parent engaging in alienating behaviours against the other include:

• badmouthing or disrespecting the other parent in front of the child;
• making false allegations that the other parent is unsafe or unloving;
• disrupting contact arrangements, such as cancelling plans for the child to see the other parent without a fair reason;
• withdrawing affection from or criticising the child if they talk positively about the other parent; and
• encouraging the child to defy or disrespect the other parent.

However, in Re: S (Parental Alienation: Cult) [2020] EWCA Civ 568 the court also confirmed at [8] that “the manipulation of the child by the other parent need not be malicious or even deliberate. It is the process that matters, not the motive.” A parent might not intend to cause the child to withdraw from the other parent, but might behave negatively towards the other parent; this may result in the child mirroring such behaviour or withdrawing from that parent.

Such behaviours can have a range of outcomes in the child’s response. For example, the child might express anger or negative remarks about the other parent, without a rational reason; or, they might become indifferent to and distant from the other parent. Additionally, the child might be reluctant to or entirely refuse to engage in a relationship with the other parent, such as resisting contact with them.

3. How does the court treat allegations of alienation?

A common scenario occurs in the family court whereby “parent A” alleges domestic abuse inflicted by “parent B”; “parent B” then responds that these allegations are a mechanism of alienation (i.e. they are being made to “turn” the child away from “parent B”). The court takes a careful approach in light of this: alienating behaviours can be a very serious concern where they occur, but can also be a “weapon” used in conflicted children proceedings. For an overview of how the court determines allegations, see our related article: Family Court Fact Finding Hearings: a Guide

In Re Y (Experts and Alienating Behaviour: The Modern Approach) [2026] EWFC 38, the court held at [75] that where there are cross-allegations of domestic abuse and alienating behaviours, and a fact-finding hearing is required,“the focus of the fact-finding must be to first determine the issues of domestic abuse and secondly to consider whether the child’s refusal to engage with the estranged parent is an ‘appropriate justified reaction’ to any abusive behaviour, or that what has occurred is the result of protective behaviour or a traumatic response on the part of the victim parent.” Only once the fact-finding hearing has occurred and established whether there are grounds for alienating behaviours may the court hear evidence regarding the alleged alienation from expert witnesses, such as psychologists. This sequence is key, because the fact-finding provides crucial context within which the occurrence of alienating behaviours can be assessed.

Furthermore, the court emphasised at [55] that “whether or not a parent has alienated a child is a question of fact for the Court to resolve and not a diagnosis that can or should be offered by a psychologist”. In other words, the psychologist cannot declare that the parent has alienated the child; they can provide an opinion on whether there are any legitimate grounds for the child’s attitude toward the “alienated” parent, but it is for the court to determine whether alienating behaviours have occurred. For more detail on how to manage allegations of domestic abuse, see our recent article: Defending Against False Allegations Of Domestic Abuse

4. What happens when alienating behaviours are found?

If the court does find that alienating behaviours have occurred, it takes this very seriously, as such behaviours cause harm both to the child’s wellbeing and their relationship with the “alienated” parent. In Re: S (Parental Alienation: Cult) [2020] EWCA Civ 568 at [13], the Court of Appeal stated that “the obligation on the court is to respond with exceptional diligence and take whatever effective measures are available.”

The court may order therapeutic intervention or supported contact to help repair the relationship between the child and parent. In more serious cases, the court might order a transfer of residence whereby the child moves to live with the “alienated” parent. This might be coupled with an order that the current resident “offending” parent be restricted to spending time with the child on a supervised basis, until they address their behaviour. While this might be disruptive to the child in the immediate term, the court confirmed in Re: S (Parental Alienation: Cult) [2020] EWCA Civ 568 at [13] that it must aim to “keep the child’s medium to long term welfare at the forefront of its mind and wherever possible to uphold the child and parent’s right to respect for family life before it is breached.”

While the child might be reluctant to have a relationship with or live with the parent, the court remains alert to the longer-term detriment to the child of losing a relationship with that parent – where alienating behaviours have occurred, the court is likely to prioritise rebuilding this relationship before it is tarnished in a lasting way. It is worth noting that the court does not value the child’s relationship with either parent differently simply based on whether that parent is the mother or father. For an overview of fathers’ rights in relation to child contact issues, see our recent article: Fathers’ Rights in the Family Court: Child Arrangements After Separation

5. Practical advice

Whether your child is expressing resistance to a relationship with you, or the child’s other parent is falsely alleging alienation against you, these situations can be highly distressing. It is sensible to intervene early and to seek legal advice to help manage the situation in a measured and strategic way.

It is also recommended to:

• keep a written record of the situation, such as dates of missed contact or any unusual statements made by the child;
• ensure that communications with the other parent remain child-focused and calm; and
• avoid involving the child further in the conflict, such as asking them for details about what the other parent has said about you, or telling the child what to say to the other parent.

6. How we can help

Navigating disputed child arrangements can be highly stressful, particularly when proceedings involve allegations of domestic abuse and alienating behaviours. Careful preparation and early advice are often critical in securing contact. Our specialist family barristers can help you navigate the process in a considered and strategic manner, providing expert assistance at every stage.

• Advice and strategy: clear and practical guidance on the strength of your case, likely outcomes, and the best way to resolve the matter.
• Drafting: preparation of C100 applications, witness statements, and supporting evidence.
• Representation: expert advocacy at all court hearings, including the FHDRA, fact-finding hearing, Dispute Resolution Appointment, directions hearing, and final hearing.

We work with solicitors and clients on a direct access basis. This means you can instruct our barristers directly without going through a solicitor. This can save time and reduce costs, while still giving you access to specialist support. Find out more about our direct access offering here.

We represent clients in London, Birmingham, Milton Keynes, Northampton, Bedford, Luton, and across the UK.

You can contact us to book an initial consultation.

Billal Malik is a barrister who practises in family court disputes including child arrangements proceedings and domestic abuse allegations.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can a parent be guilty of alienating behaviour without intending to?

Yes. In Re: S (Parental Alienation: Cult) [2020] EWCA Civ 568, the Court of Appeal confirmed that alienating conduct does not need to be malicious or deliberate – the court considers the process and impact on the child, rather than the parent’s underlying motive.

Will the court follow my child’s wishes if they say they don’t want to see me?

No, the court’s approach is not as simple as following the wishes of the child. When determining children matters, the court applies the “welfare checklist” in section 1 of the Children Act 1989 − whilst the court considers the child’s wishes and feelings in light of their age and understanding, this is only one factor amongst several that are balanced in the welfare assessment.

The court is attentive to harm posed to the child, including the harm to the child of losing a relationship with their parent. While it might be against the child’s short-term wishes to have contact with one parent, the court might decide that – particularly where the child’s resistance is caused by actions of the other parent – it is crucial for the child’s overall welfare to encourage contact with that parent.

What happens if allegations of both alienation and domestic abuse are raised?

If serious allegations of domestic abuse are raised which require findings to be made, the court first holds a fact-finding hearing to determine the truth of these allegations. In Re Y (Experts and Alienating Behaviour: The Modern Approach) [2026] EWFC 38, the court confirmed that this must occur prior to the court hearing expert evidence regarding alienating behaviours, as the initial findings provide important context as to whether or not the child’s resistance to the parent is justified.

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